One of the biggest things I have learned lately is that I have an enormous capacity to love. But this unfortunately is coupled with finding that when I love, I expect certain things to go along with it. However, when they don't, I find myself disappointed, hurt, angry, and in the end feeling very selfish. As a submissive, that is a terrible way to feel.
I don't want to complain. truly I don't. But I seem to have a big mouth that doesn't open often prefaced with a lot of thought. I consider myself an intelligent person. I also say stupid things, and today I felt something I never wanted to feel from someone I care about a great deal. After complaining and having what I thought was a really good talk about my feelings regarding something I now look at as kind of silly, I felt that the someone I really care about had become slightly...withdrawn. I really hope I'm wrong.
There's only so much I can blame on my hair..or my temper...
Every now and then I have to look at myself and realize that I do have the capacity for selfishness. For want. For wanting equality within something I take incredibly seriously. Maybe I shouldn't take it so seriously. Maybe if I didn't I would be a lot happier in the long run. But it's not really in my nature to do. And I want to be me.
So...as a submissive. What do I do? Continue to love in the same vein in which I have for the last few years? Or try very hard to strengthen and inure myself to hurt so that these "silly" conversations no longer arise? I will always blame myself first. In spite of what I wrote last night. And do forgive that one, dear readers. It was a rant, plain and simple.
I am always the first one I look at when things do not go as my over-active imagination dictates they should. What is it about me that makes me less desirable, less pleasant, less wanted, less perfect than I was before? And the pin point always turns to my reaction over the simple things. Or maybe the not so simple, as I end up making them far more complicated than they need to be by virtue of my selfishness. It really is a conundrum.
I know what I want. What I am only now just realizing is that it isn't entirely up to me to make it happen. Someone else has to agree with that want and make it happen. Someone else has to want it too. And if they don't, then the only option left to me is accept it and deal with it in the best way for us both. A heartbreaking option at best, but truly all there is.
I won't stop loving. I don't know how. I feel at times as if I will spontaneously combust with it. And perhaps that is exactly why it isn't returned with the same equality. Maybe, just maybe...I love too much.